which science fiction writer am I?

Not too bad I suppose

I am: Isaac Asimov One of the most prolific writers in history, on any imaginable subject. Cared little for art but created lasting and memorable tales.

Which science fiction writer are you?

Symptoms?

I had a wonderful weekend with my parents and felt very sad to see them go. I must make the effort to see them more often.

I'm in the last few days before my period is due so of course I am analysing every single "symptom" in the hope it's a sign that we have managed to get pregnant this month.

So far I have:

1. sore boobs but could just be pre-menstrual
2. a nose bleed a couple of days ago but I used to have these quite often
3. sense of smell seems to have increased but this is a bit vague
4. strange pains/aches in my abdomen but could be wind
5. blocked nose but of course it's the cold season
6. oh and terrible wind which is also something I am used to in the days before my period starts.

So the conclusion is - maybe.

irony

A long time ago in a past life (well when I did my PhD), my research was all about fertility. While I was based in a University department I worked closely with scientists and clinicians in the fertility clinic. At the time I felt great sympathy for the women and men who were struggling to have the children they wanted. I also hoped (and assumed) that in the (far off) future when I decided to have children of my own I would not have problems.

Who knew that 8 years later I'd be the one struggling with my own fertility.

Now of course if I'm rational about this, it's statistically not at all surprising since depending on which figures you read between 1 in 3 and 1 in 5 confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage (link). In fact it's no more surprising than the fact that I now work in cancer and several members of my family have suffered from cancer since the lifetime risk of cancer is 1 in 3 (link).

I also know that I'm not as fertile as I once was (age and fertility) but since getting pregnant is not the problem I try not to worry about this too much. This doesn't stop the irrational part of me wondering about the abortion I had at this time and if it has any bearing on my current situation despite the fact that most studies show no increased risk of miscarriage after an abortion.

Optimism

I'm beginning to wonder if it was a good idea to call the blog third time lucky, the irrational bit of my brain is wondering about jinxing my chances. So I decided to think about why my chances should be better this time.

1. I have a permanent job so I have no worries about finding a job and associated worries about taking time off and finding another job afterwards. The first time there was also the possibility of having to return to the UK for work and being apart from my husband.
   
2. We have our own house, we had to move just after miscarriage 1 into a friends place and were living with her during miscarriage 2. Not a great set up for a young couple who need their own space.
3. I won't be drinking during the two week wait so no potential alcohol effect in that time before we know.

So generally less stress, which is good.

Of course this is coming up because I've entered the two week wait and I have very mixed feelings. I'm scared I won't be pregnant this month and we'll have to go through the whole roller coaster of emotions again next month (and for however many months after that it takes). But I'm also afraid I will be and I might have to go through being terrified I'll lose the baby again. Who said life was simple?

Oh and stupid petty thought if I don't get pregnant soon then my babies birthday will be close to Christmas and it's rubbish having a birthday close to Christmas.

Where we're at

This time the doctors recommended waiting three months before trying again. I checked on the internet (the place where all questions are answered) and couldn't find any medical reason for this advice so we decided to give it 2 months.

After a couple of months of just "seeing how it goes" we decided to get scientific about it and bought some ovulation predictor test sticks. So now we're into the second month of peeing on sticks for a week to see when I'm going to lay an egg and then shagging like rabbits.

I also decided this month to give up alcohol from the time when I ovulate onwards after all if it works it's only an extra 2 weeks. This is because I easily drink 3 pints on a night at the pub, which is 6 units (!!) and officially counts as binge drinking. Since it can't hurt my chances to cut this out I'm going to cut it out.

Now just to explain to my parents who are visiting this weekend that I'm not drinking...

Here we go again!

At the scan I was informed by the extremely unsympathetic specialist that there was "nothing in there" and sent to the hospital for further care. I was given suppositories to induce a miscarriage and after a few hours observation I was sent home and instructed to come back in a week to check that everything was ok.

This time we hadn't told many people and were hoping to broadcast the good news after the scan. So I now once again had to tell people and phone my work and explain the situation. In the mean time my symptoms hadn't really gone away and I hadn't bled much so I suspected that the treatment hadn't worked.

The following week I returned for a check up and scan to find that as I suspected I was still carrying the whatever it was. I was scheduled for surgery that afternoon as me and my husband had planned a trip that weekend for our first wedding anniversary and I really wanted to go. We'd had to cancel a trip the first time and it was important to me not to do that again.

I was starting a new job just after the procedure so once again I didn't take much time off. (Is anyone noticing a theme here?).

And so life went on again...

Trying again

We were both keen to try again so after a month had gone by we stopped using contraception again. When my next period came with a sense of relief I realised that perhaps I wasn't totally ready after all.

We carried on trying for another couple of months before I became pregnant again and this time I was offered an early scan at 6 weeks. By this stage the heart should be beating and if it was visible on the scan there was a very good chance that the pregnancy was viable.

Between the first pregnancy and this one we had moved which meant I had changed doctors. This resulted in me having to explain the whole situation to the new doctor as she hadn't received my notes. Not fun!

The aftermath

I didn't take many days off work because I was starting a new job (same company) and still had some stuff to finish up. With hindsight I should have taken more time off and possibly avoided floods of tears later in the week and being sent home.

Of course I also had to tell everyone that I was no longer pregnant. Since I was assuming everything would be fine I'd told loads of people. I avoided having to actually talk to any of them by sending them emails. I then tried to get back to normal while avoiding most social situations for the next month. My husband was brilliant during this time but it took a while before he gave in to his feelings instead of being strong for me. Basically he waited until I stopped crying nearly all the time.

I got loads of flowers from people and lots of stories about other people who had miscarriages and went on to have healthy pregnancies. In the first few days I was still raging at the unfairness of it all and didn't really want to hear the stories. Life went on though and it got easier.

The back story

A year and a half ago I married my wonderful boyfriend of 7 years. After a couple of months we decided we were ready to try for a baby and I stopped taking the pill. The rest would be easy right? After all people have been having babies for years and we were both young (ish) and healthy.

When I was pregnant after 3 months I really thought it had been easy. I had friends who'd taken much longer and was very excited because we'd managed the difficult bit - right? Well everything went on with excited soon-to-be grandparents and symptoms. I didn't suffer much morning sickness but some people don't so I just assumed I was lucky.

The just before the 12 week scan - actually on the day I hit the "safe" 12 weeks stage I started to bleed. Just a little and it was dark brown old blood, after panicking about this for a while I decided to wait and see what the scan showed. After all if it was old blood it was either nothing or something had happened a while ago so I couldn't change it now.

On the day of the scan my worst fears were confirmed, there was no baby just a something in a sac that had died/stopped developing at least a month before. The next day I went to hospital to have the "product of conception" removed. I went home the same day feeling totally empty with instructions to wait a month before trying again.

(to be continued...)

Why blog?

Well I've never been much of a one for keeping a diary so who knows if this will last but I've been reading a few blogs and after the year I've had it seemed like one way of sorting out my feelings.

As can be seen from the title I've had two miscarriages in the last year so this will be about that and trying for a successful pregnancy and I'm sure other parts of my life will creep in too.