scan

All is well.

The blob is measuring 6 weeks 4 days and has a heartbeat which I managed to see through my tears of relief.

A year ago

I had just got back from spending time with my parents and sisters in Scotland at my cousins wedding and was therefore starting my first full week at my current job. My official start date was the 15th but I only worked a few days before leaving to fly to Glasgow.

Two weeks before I started this job I had an early scan which revealed an empty sac and resulted in a D and C the week before I started this job. I spent the weekend in Prague just after this to celebrate my first wedding anniversary with my husband. This had been booked for some time and we decided some time away would be good for us and could maybe help us start the healing.

As a result of this it is hard to imagine a good result on Wednesday (S has admitted he feels the same way). I'm kind of expecting to see an empty sac once more and am wondering about which hospital I will be sent to for treatment. I'm also thinking about how many days to take off work, how much to tell them and whether I'll be up to the 2-day meeting with a night in a hotel that is planned for next week.

If anyone has some spare optimism and hope could you send it over here?

Waiting

I keep thinking I should post something, I even have an idea for a post swirling in the back of my mind but to be honest I can't concentrate on one thing long enough to write it.

I'm sorry I'm not commenting much but I am reading. I'm just stuck in my own little funk at the moment both looking forward to and dreading the scan on Wednesday.

(hang in there and grow - please!)

My Birthday

That explains it all then

Your Birthdate: May 22

You tend to be understated and under appreciated. You have a hidden force to do amazing things, doing them your own way. People may see you as strange and shy, but they know little. Your unconventional ways have more power than they (and even you) know. Your strength: Standing up for what you know is true Your weakness: You tend to be picky and rigid Your power color: Silver Your power symbol: Square Your power month: April

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

To hope or not to hope

This new limbo is not easy.

I'm beginning to get new symptoms which is good - my one coffee I've been allowing myself tasted disgusting this morning. Probably a good thing as it means I might as well stop the caffeine altogether. I also felt a bit pukey when I was brushing my teeth this morning and I know from experience that I have reached the point where I can't do this without gagging.

The problem is I've had all these symptoms before and I've never even seen a heartbeat so while I'm really really hoping this time it'll work out I'm terrified about what I'll see (or not see) next week at my scan. Especially since scans have only ever given me bad news so far.

At the same time I find myself thinking about things in terms of being pregnant over the next few months. Hoping that I can tell my extended family at my parents ruby wedding party when I should be 12 weeks. Wanting desperately to tell a good friend that I'll be visiting early next month in London. Wanting to talk to S about when (not if) certain things happen.

I want so much to just be excited about this and shout it from the rooftops but I know I can't.

Please let it be my turn this time.

Rocking

Apparently Niobe thinks I'm a Rockin' Blogger which is really sweet because I think she rocks too.

So now I have to nominate five of the blogs I read as Rockin' Girl Bloggers so these are the ones I've narrowed it down to. I've met so many lovely women via this blog that it wasn't easy.

Well first of all there is Sara at The Island who has not only been dealing with infertility but has the weirdest family who she manages to write about with great humour. She got a BFP recently and I'm so cheering her on.

Elizabeth at The I Word is one of the people I "met" early on in this process she's a grad student in anthropology and always has kind words for others whatever is going on in her life. I'm really hoping that she gets what she wants soon.

I came across Evil Science Chick back when I started this blog and I thought it would be about being a scientist and not just attempts to get pregnant. She writes about life with her husband, cute dog, knitting, cooking and sex. I always find something to smile about on her blog.

JJ at Reproductive Jeans has spent time building the wonderful community that is the braces bunch despite her own struggles. She really really rocks.

Finally Artblog, she is in Paris and has spent a while trying for number 2 including suffering loss but seems to be on her way now. She has a way with words and pictures that really helps to tell her story.

Nothing to see here

Well my boobs are hurting a lot and I feel mildly nauseas most of the time both of which I'm hoping are good signs but other than that nothing really to tell. I'm in limbo until the 29th when I'll get my scan so I thought I'd finally get around to doing one of the things I was tagged for ages ago.

So my eight random things (I was tagged for this at least twice and can't remember who by any more):

1. I have two tattoos - one is a penguin on my bum and the other is an eye of horus just above my pubes. I now wish I'd been creative and designed one but I do quite like them both and don't regret getting them.
2. I also have a belly button piercing and have considered getting my tongue pierced but don't fancy the swollen-tongue-liquid-food-only-for-several-days factor.
3. I always thought I was rubbish at languages but now speak pretty good Danish all day at work.
4. I love thunder storms and used to hide in my parents garden to watch them (and get soaked) when I was a kid.
5. I grew up in the absolute middle of nowhere - some of the kids I went to high school with had never heard of the village - and love living in a city now. In fact my ideal home is a city or a small village.
6. Me and S were together for 7 years before we got married and will have been together 10 years in November.
   
7. I'm 3 years older than S.
8. I've been very lucky with jobs so far but could exactly call my career planned. If you asked me a few years ago there is absolutely no way I could have imagined I'd be living in Denmark.

I won't tag as I'm sure most people have done this one but if you haven't I'd love to see your 8 random things.

Beginning to believe

Well I managed to resist peeing on a stick this morning for the first time although I have two spares if I feel the need again.

I phoned the OB this morning, such fun doing this while on the bus since she has very limited telephone times. It's just so embarrassing having all the commuters listen in while you answer personal questions about dates and why you are calling. Anyway, the result of the call is I have an appointment for a scan on the 29th August so I guess I'll have to try not to go (more?) bonkers in the meantime.

On Friday we saw the Simpson's movie which I thought was very funny and recommend if you want to sit and laugh for most of an hour and a half. On Saturday night we went to a 40th party so I had my first not-drinking-while everyone-else-is evening. Luckily we don't know many of the people who were there and it was a large crowd so my pretending to sip from a wine glass wasn't commented on during the food. I did find myself surrounded by people smoking at one point though which was unpleasant.* One person did ask, later, why I wasn't drinking though, probably not surprising since he is the barman at the pub we go to often. He knows a little about our story so gave me a huge hug and wished me the best while promising not to tell anyone. It was odd being up until 3 without alcohol or caffeine to keep me going though.

Since today is my wedding anniversary we will be going out for dinner tonight, we're trying out a new (to us) Indian restaurant so I'm really looking forward to it. Have I ever mentioned that we love curry so much that it's what we served at our wedding?

*smoking is still really common in Denmark and it is difficult to escape from it, I would say that the majority of the 30-odd people at the party were smoking.

Still 2 lines

and the second one is getting darker. I have one more of the old tests and am seriously tempted to buy another brand when I'm at the supermarket today to try and convince myself that this is really happening.

Since I've been here before and we all know how that turned out I'm trying not to get too excited. S says we should just enjoy it while it lasts so I guess I'll try and do that.

Thanks for all the comments and support, you all made me cry with your best wishes. I'll try and answer all your questions. I will ring the OB on Monday morning and find out what the deal is in terms of tests. I should be able to get an early scan as I had one last time but I'm not sure about betas. The crappy OB muttered something about checking my hormones "next time" when he was telling me it hadn't worked out last time but obviously I won't be going back to him.

I would love a "made in America" t-shirt but to be honest the truth is more likely "made just after we got back from America" and that doesn't have quite the same ring to it, unless it was the hotel room on the last morning and that was probably too early.

Anyway, I guess, I'll either finally get an actual take home baby out of this or the tests to try and find out why not.

Thanks again everyone and I'll be sending my hopes over to all those still trying and also to babyblue who had an inconclusive scan this week.

Totally in shock!

and happy and scared and excited and frankly not believing it.

I really didn't think it had worked this month, but I noticed that my boobs looked like they'd been drawn all over with a blue felt-tip and they were still hurting when normally this goes away as my period approaches.

So this morning I P'd OAS, an old one that had been lying around for months, and there was a faint line. So I bought a couple of new ones on the way home and there seems to be a second line on one of them too. (I plan to test again tomorrow morning).

So it seems that my body is currently making (at least some) hCG.

We definitely won't be telling anyone for a while (apart from you lot of course).

Passing the time

Some other people have been posting their Myers-Briggs results recently and I thought this was a fun version (found at Amelie and Propter-doc)

Your Score: Pollyanna- INFP

20% Extraversion, 53% Intuition, 40% Thinking, 33% Judging

So, you want to make the world a better place? Too bad it's never gonna happen.

Of all the types, you have to be one of the hardest to find fault in. You have a selfless and caring nature. You're a good listener and someone who wants to avoid conflict. You genuinely desire to do good.

Of course, these all add up to an incredibly overpowered conscience which makes you feel guilty and responsible when anything goes wrong. Of course, it MUST be your fault EVERYTIME.

Though you're constantly on a mission to find the truth, you have no use for hard facts and logic, which is a source of great confusion for those of us with brains. Despite this, in a losing argument, you're not above spouting off inaccurate fact after fact in an effort to protect your precious values.

You're most probably a perfectionist, which in this case, is a bad thing. Any group work is destined to fail because of your incredibly high standards.

Disregard what I said before. You're just easy to find fault in as everyone else!

Luckily, you're generally very hard on yourself, meaning I don't need to waste my precious time insulting you. Instead, just find all your own faults and insult yourself.

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If you want to learn more about your personality type in a slightly less negative way, check out this.

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The other personality types are as follows...

Loner - Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving
Pushover - Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Criminal - Introverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving
Borefest - Introverted Sensing Thinking Judging
Freak - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
Loser - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving
Crackpot - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
Clown - Extraverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving
Sap - Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Commander - Extraverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving
Do Gooder - Extraverted Sensing Thinking Judging
Scumbag - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
Busybody - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
Prick - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving
Dictator - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging

Fertility treatment in Denmark

Well I've been doing the TP-tango all day and so far no fat lady but, you know, I've had 29 day cycles before even if the recent ones have been shorter (bashes hope over the head with a large bat)...

Also I've ordered some embroidery thread to make an "infertilitys common thread" bracelet. As I'm not particularly crafty I'm likely to have loads of spare thread so if anyone would like some let me know (Europe preferred).

I'll be travelling to Barcelona next month for work, any tips for must sees in between the presentations?

After my post about finances I thought it was time to find out exactly what the situation is here in Denmark with regards to treatments on the health service. (Disclaimer - All the following information was obtained from sites written in Danish so if I've got something wrong it's probably my translations skills).

So the rules for getting fertility treatment in Denmark through the health service. First of all you have to fulfil certain criteria:

• women wanting treatment have no children or couples wanting treatment have no children together (if they have frozen embryos left from a previous treatment these can be used without paying).
• they have to have been trying for a minimum of 6 months although straight single women and lesbians (whether single or not) are able to be treated with donor sperm.
  
• the woman must be under 40.
  

Treatment is free for up to 3 IVF cycles (this includes any treatments used before IVF is attempted). You will have to pay for all necessary drugs* but if you spend over 480kr (about £44 or $89) on any prescription drugs over a year you get a discount on the price. Also pharmacists are legally expected to offer you the cheapest version of the drug prescribed whatever brand name the doctor has written on the prescription. You can get the specific one but will be expected to pay the difference between this and the cheapest version yourself.

There are the following rules about fertility treatment whether you use the health service or go private

• the woman must not be over 45
• ovarian transplantation is (currently) illegal
• eggs and embryos cannot be sold
• surrogacy is illegal
• egg donors and recipients must not know each others identity
• eggs and embryos can be stored for 5 years and then must be destroyed
• you cannot transport eggs or embryos collected in Denmark out of the country
• if the man dies any stored sperm must be destroyed

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*for reference:
5 clomid tabs currently (as of 30th July) cost 57.50kr (approx $10 or £5.25)
3 x 5000IE ampoules of pregnyl hCG cost 161.30kr
a single 75IE shot of Gonal-F costs 337.40kr

Cramps - update

I didn't mean to imply in this post that other methods of making babies are "unnatural" just express the fact that I was kind of hoping to make a baby privately in my bedroom with my husband - yes ok totally foolish

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So, OK, I could try and kid myself that they are implantation cramps but the truth (and my mood swings) suggest that my period is in the post. Since the last few cycles have been 26 days and tomorrow is day 27 I guess that's when it'll be.

So I'll get the day 3 blood tests, S will get a semen analysis and we'll ring the OB to talk about IUI.

I'm a little bummed to be honest, I couldn't quite give up on hope that this would work naturally.

interesting

You're The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe!

by C.S. Lewis

You were just looking for some decent clothes when everything changed
quite dramatically. For the better or for the worse, it is still hard to tell. Now it
seems like winter will never end and you feel cursed. Soon there will be an epic
struggle between two forces in your life and you are very concerned about a betrayal
that could turn the balance. If this makes it sound like you're re-enacting Christian
theological events, that may or may not be coincidence. When in doubt, put your trust
in zoo animals.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

(stolen from sara s-p.)

new friends and finances

So I switched on my computer today and had a bunch of new comments on my post about how blogging affects(/effects I can never decide the right one of these two) discussions with your partner. "That's odd" I thought, I wonder if someone has linked to me, especially since several of the comments were from bloggers I hadn't seen in these parts before (welcome). I'll be checking out the new blogs as it's always nice to add another perspective to all this.

Of course when I started reading the new posts on my bloglines I realised that the lovely Mel over at stirrup queens had mentioned me in her Friday round-up. If you haven't been there before (which I'm sure most of you have), go and check out her blog as it's full of useful information about infertility, treatments and the feelings that come along with all this. I don't know how she has time to keep up with all the blogs (her blogroll is huge) but it's so lovely when someone thinks my thoughts are worth spreading around - all part of the support network that I talked about in that post.

Now part two of my post (because I rarely stick to one subject), finances, we are skint this month, totally brassic. It's a cash-flow thing to be honest we had an (expected) large local tax bill to pay, this bill, based on the value of our house, is paid to the kommune (local council) every six months so it's always a bit of a hit. On top of this we had a couple of unexpected bills, household insurance (which I was expecting next month) and a water bill for the rest of the year. Add to that the "interesting"* system of holiday pay in Denmark which means I got under paid from my current company and have to await money that my previous company paid into a government account.

The point of this is not to whinge about my finances but that it got me thinking about having to pay for treatments. So far we haven't got very far along the treatment route (just contemplating our first medicated IUI) but one of the advantages of living in a country with socialised healthcare** is that I don't have to worry about the cost. Now I don't know for sure how many cycles of IVF would be paid for as I haven't investigated this fully due to the hope it doesn't come to that but I'm not unduly worried (can anyone say denial). The truth is, if we had to pay for all our treatments as so many of you seem to I don't think it would be possible for us.

Theoretically, we'd have had the money if we hadn't bought this house but since at that stage we didn't realise (yet) that we were having troubles - the second miscarriage occurred as the house sale went through - so it's totally irrelevant. I guess my point is that my thoughts are with those of you who, on top of everything else that this process brings, have to save enough to even try.

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*Holiday pay is "earned" from 1st Jan to 31st Dec and "spent" from the following 1st May-30th April. This mean that in your first job it can be up to 15 months before you can take paid holiday, holiday can be taken unpaid however. When you change jobs, any unused holiday pay is paid into a government account which you can claim it from as you use it.

**The disadvantage of this is, of course, the taxes but since tax is taken from my salary each month before I receive it and my salary is proportionately higher than it would be otherwise I don't mind this. Also, I can see what those taxes are being spent on which helps.

free art

First of all thank you so much for everyone who commented on my last post. I guess we are all getting similar things from this blogging. The ability to work through thoughts, support from other people in the same situation and a way to prevent us driving our husbands (or partners) completely bonkers by making them listen to us going over the same thing again and again.

Also for those that are interested I didn't get the job I interviewed for before my holiday but I'm fine about it. My current job has potential but it requires me to create that potential, I just have to get off my arse and start working a bit harder.

Anyway back to the intended subject for today:

In lots of bars and cafés in Copenhagen you will see free postcards provided by Go-Card. In a lot of cases these are simply advertising but recently I have noticed that a lot of them are art by local artists. I think this is a great idea as it gets the art out there and websites for the artists so if you like a picture you can find out more.

Since I find myself liking a lot of the cards I have been collecting some of them and will be sending them out to the braces bunch over the next few weeks. I've put some examples below for those who aren't in the braces bunch but if you particularly like one email me your address and I'll post one out. If you click on the picture it will link through to the artists website.

The art varies from the frankly weird:

To nice landscapes:
or animals:
And there are a few that really appeal to me at the moment.

This one seemed to sum up how I feel sometimes (tired and broken):

and this one sums up one of my ways of dealing with the feeling:

Hope you like them.