Thoughts about what might have been

As the prospect of this baby becomes more and more real I find myself returning to thoughts of the first baby we lost. Not so much the second - partly because it was so early and partly because we had lost the naivety that allowed us to think that 2 lines = baby.

2 years ago we did the test on Christmas day and S immediately told his parents who we were staying with. I told my family a couple of days later when I arrived there and we began to get excited immediately. Of course we knew about miscarriage and even knew some people who had one (more than we thought it turned out later) but didn't really understand how common they were.

We immediately began to make plans, after all the timing wasn't ideal (but when is it?). My contract was due to run out at the end of April (baby was due Sept 2006) and we would also need to find somewhere else to live as our lease was coming to an end at the end of March. I managed to sort out a short term contract which would keep me employed until I went on leave and we arranged to temporarily move in with a friend who was expecting to move out and allow us to take over the lease.

So with these plans in place we looked forward to the 12 week NT scan and the first chance to "meet" our baby. In the mean time I was simply enjoying my pregnancy and perhaps being a little smug that it was going so easily and I wasn't suffering from morning sickness or gaining too much weight. Of course all the hopes and dreams came crashing down when we discovered at the scan in February that our baby wasn't developing and hadn't been for at least a month.

So I wonder what might have been if I had a 16 month old now. I probably wouldn't be in this job for a start but hopefully would have found something else. Also, it's unlikely we'd have bought our house since the deposit money would probably have been needed for expenses once my contract ran out and I went on leave. It's possible we'd be beginning to think about number 2 because I'd always thought that 2-3 years age gap like that between me and my sisters is a good one (since these things can be planned - ha ha). Also I wouldn't have "met" so many wonderful, clever, funny and caring people through this blog.

So I guess as sad as I was and sometimes still am about what might I have been, where I am now is a good place. Me and S have a house that we love (with a scary mortgage but lets not go there), we both have good jobs with salaries and benefits that mean we are not worrying about money or how to afford maternity leave. Oh and did I mention meeting all you wonderful people? I just wish we didn't have to all go through the pain and sadness to find each other.

Random things - pregnancy related

If you get a nosebleed while cycling home from work the best plan of action is to stop and deal with it, not try and get home first. I did stop eventually and presumably scared lots of people with the blood smeared all over my face.

Cot (crib) is ordered and will be delivered on Thursday, first coat of paint applied to nursery. Apparently my arms have been lacking in exercise since they feel like they're falling off today.

Related to this I have bought this swimsuit from the H & M maternity department and will start going to the pool sometimes after work to get a little extra exercise and enjoy the weightlessness.

I've managed to get hold of the pdf of the article about caffeine and miscarriages that was in the news last week and will post my thoughts on it when I've had a chance to read it properly.

My belly is unbelievably hairy and my belly button is totally flat, apparently I have a small birthmark which normally hides inside my belly button too.

S has offered to set up a winch system to help me turn over in bed and to get in and out of the bath (cheeky sod).

I've booked flights to visit my parents at the end of the month and my mum is already excited at the chance to do some baby-related shopping. It will be lovely to see them and spend some time alone with them for a change. I will have to go to the doctors that week though as Easyjet requires a certificate for travel from week 28 (pain in the bum). In contrast, SAS who I'm travelling with on Saturday lets you travel up to week 38 and only requires a certificate after week 36.

album cover meme

Stolen from Niobe (along with the instructions):

1. Click on this link. The title of the page is the name of your band.

2. Click on this link. The last four words of the final quotation on the page are the title of your album.

3. Click on this link. The third picture is your album cover.

4. Take the pic, add your band name and album title and voilà!


I must admit I like my album title, not so sure about the picture and was tempted to cheat and pick one of the other ones on the page but in the end decided to stick with the grumpy gorilla. Gisenyi seems like quite a good band name too.

blogaversary and midwife stuff

Sorry if I scared you yesterday and thanks for all the comments. Apparently I've been blogging for a year now, well actually yesterday but I was distracted then and didn't notice. I still find it hard to believe that I've kept the equivalent of a journal for so long but I know that it is a lot to do with you lot. A diary that talks back via comments is far more fun to write.

The midwife said everything was fine and the reason I'm not feeling Stumpy so much is because he has grown loads and simply doesn't have as much space for wriggling around. His heart rate was absolutely normal and strong and it was great to hear. Did I mention he's grown lots? I've certainly felt lots of stretching the last few weeks and apparently I've put on 3 kilos (6.6lbs) since I saw the doctor all of 3 weeks ago! I mentioned that I been feeling occasional tightening which I assumed were Braxton Hicks contractions, particularly when cycling. In fact she could feel the tail-end of one when she examined me. She said not to worry about them as long as the "plukkeveer" (pluck contractions) are not painful and to carry on cycling as it's great exercise.

My parents were wanting to come and visit soon but since S needs to be studying all the time we have decided it's not a great idea. This also means that we won't be able to take a long weekend away together while I'm still allowed to fly so I've decided to go to my parents for a long weekend instead, probably towards the end of February. I'm also going on my last work trip, before I go on leave, at the beginning of February. It's just to London, but will give me a chance to catch up with a few friends, including the one who had a baby boy before Christmas, and perhaps do a little shopping.

Worried - update

Stumpy doesn't seem to be moving around as much the last couple of days and I'm beginning to worry. I have an appointment with the midwife tomorrow so hopefully she will reassure me that everything is fine.

I'm just being paranoid - right?

We have (finally) picked out the colour for the nursery so painting can commence one evening (if I have time to pick up the paint) or at the weekend, assuming we still need a nursery of course.

update -
yes of course he's been wiggling about since I hit post.

The other bedroom

Since we moved house over a year ago the "other room" has sat mostly empty, storing some of our things and waiting to become either a spare bedroom for guests (but we never seemed to get around to this) or a room for the baby we longed for.

Since the summer "the other room" has been storing household items for one of our friends who is away at a residential college and needed to clear some personal stuff out of her flat to sub-let it. Well she came yesterday to collect her stuff so I no longer have an excuse to avoid transforming "the other room" into "the baby's room". While I have been thinking about this and planning it the thought of actually doing it terrifies me.

It's crossing that line into believing that this is going to work out that I'm having difficulty with, that and the idea that if I cross the line too soon I will somehow jinx everything and cause it not to work out. We have chosen a cot and since we got money from the MIL at Christmas to spend on it I could order it now and plan to on Saturday - but then I'm sure it will be easy to find an excuse to put it off for another week. Also I plan to get some paint samplers tonight so we can try and decide on a colour for the room - maybe painting it will help with the process. Realistically the baby will be sleeping in our room at least to begin with so I could put off the process for a long time.

By the way the cot we've chosen is this one (only in pale wood not white).
Oh and I've finally lost all dignity, last night, a coughing fit not only made me pee myself (horrible) but also puke a little. Luckily, S, instead of being horrified by this (as I expected him to be while I sat crying about it) was completely understanding and sympathetic. Have I mentioned how much I love my husband recently?

Friday update

26 weeks today! Bloody hell how did that happen? Generally I'm feeling good, my main complaints are heartburn and backache. Oh and the last few days I've been very tired and my belly feels stretched. oh and Stumpy is busy doing somersaults in there or something, I'm feeling him moving around several times a day. Oh and did I mention I definitely look pregnant? Someone actually gave up their seat for me on the bus this morning. Oh yes the prenatal yoga class was good except for towards the end when we were lying down for a while and my heartburn started up - I guess I'll have to take antacids with me next week.

S just texted me that he won his case!! I don't know the details yet but basically it means he will be taking his professional exams in March. The downside is he'll be using all his spare time to study until then so I won't see much of him. Also when I spoke to him the other day (he's been away all week) he insisted I put the phone to my belly so he could talk to Stumpy - how cute is my husband?

My little sis, F, has accepted a job teaching at an international school in Ecuador starting in August. This is v v cool, I hope she stays for a while as I'd love to visit and don't imagine I'll have much spare cash for a while.

So why aren't I a billionaire?

Swiped from saras-p

Your Score: Outcast Genius

56 % Nerd, 52% Geek, 52% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.

A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.

A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored better than half in all three, earning you the title of: Outcast Genius.

Outcast geniuses usually are bright enough to understand what society wants of them, and they just don't care! They are highly intelligent and passionate about the things they know are *truly* important in the world. Typically, this does not include sports, cars or make-up, but it can on occassion (and if it does then they know more than all of their friends combined in that subject).

Outcast geniuses can be very lonely, due to their being outcast from most normal groups and too smart for the room among many other types of dorks and geeks, but they can also be the types to eventually rule the world, ala Bill Gates, the prototypical Outcast Genius.

Congratulations!

Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test

New beginnings

One of the things I promised myself I'd do was start playing the clarinet again this year. To this end I I asked my parents to give me some new music for Christmas. I learnt the clarinet at school but have rarely picked it up since. So tonight I picked it up and started playing and it didn't sound nearly as bad as I thought. It's probably a good thing that S is away for the week though as I'm not sure I'm ready for an audience yet (apart from Stumpy who has no choice unfortunately).

Also I'm starting prenatal yoga classes this week, yoga is something else I used to do years ago and I'm really looking forward to it. I really fancied doing some prenatal belly dancing classes too but unfortunately they run during the day. Maybe I can pick up the post natal classes to get my belly back into shape when I'm on maternity leave.

S is at a course in Strasbourg this week, one that is designed to help him study for the professional exams in March. The tough part is he still doesn't know if he'll be allowed to take them and it's not looking good. He actually has an appeal hearing about it on Friday which he'll have to travel to Munich for. He is so nervous and I really hope he comes home with good news on Friday. Much as I'd like him to have more time to spend with me instead of studying all the time, this is really important to him and he's been working towards it for the last 3 years so I hope it works out.

In pregnancy news I had a check up with my GP on Friday and everything is looking fine. She did all the usual checks, blood pressure, urine test, weight and listened to Stumpy's heart. She is a little old school and used a Pinnard horn which was cool. Next check up is with the midwife on the 23rd by which time I'll be nearly 28 weeks.

About 2007 and blogging

The last post was getting long so I thought I'd add a new one to review the year. It's also an excuse to re-read some of my old posts to try and find one to submit to the Creme de la Creme.

At the beginning of 2007 in contrast to the beginning of 2006 I was not pregnant. I had been pregnant twice in 2006 but neither of these pregnancies had lasted. In order to deal with my feelings about this I had started to read blogs and by the end of January had started my own. After a while I started feeling brave enough to comment on other blogs and by the end of March I was regularly getting comments too. Suddenly I had entered this hugely supportive world of women (and a few men) who seemed to understand what I was going through. I can't remember when I found Mels blog but as soon as I did my list of must read blogs increased massively.

In April I joined the Braces Bunch organised by the lovely JJ and began to receive support by snail mail as well as electronically. Although I've been a bit rubbish with this in the last couple of months I promise to send out some more mail this year.

In May we decided to try and investigate a little further why we were not pregnant/hadn't kept a pregnancy and I also gave up caffeine (this lasted about 2 months).

July saw us having our initial appointment with the OB and planning testing for our return from travelling to California for my cousin's wedding. In early August instead of planning day 3 testing we got a surprise BFP (insert clichéd assvice about relaxing and taking a holiday here).

The end of August saw us at the 6 week scan and unbelievably relieved to see a heartbeat which we saw again at 8 weeks in September.

September and October saw lots of work related travel which helped a little in keeping my mind of my worries.

In October I began to feel the first hints of movement and was reassured when everything looked good at a 12 week scan.

December brought more reassurance with the halfway point and detailed scan.

Which brings me to 2008 which promises to be a better year although S is still waiting to hear at the last appeal (next week) if he will be able to take his professional exams in March.

Once again thank you to everyone who has commented and supported me over the last 12 month rollercoaster (several of my old posts and your comments have had me in tears today). I hope 2008 brings what you wish for and to those who are lurking but not commenting (particularly since my BFP) thank you for sticking with me even if you don't comment.

Happy New Year!

Wow! 2008 already. I got back on Sunday and have just about managed to catch up on everyones blogs so commenting will now resume. I hope that 2008 is a good year for everyone.

Our New Years Eve was spent at home with 2 other couples and their babies, something that would have been impossible for me to handle last year. We had dinner and watched the fireworks that were set off around our house. The Danes all buy lots of fireworks themselves for New Years and the display was better than many big city displays I have seen in the past. It started as soon as the sun went down and continued intermittently all evening with a massive number being set off at midnight until at least 1am when we fell asleep.

So what have I been up to? This is going to be long.

Christmas in England part one: the in-laws
We arrived on the 20th and spent the next few days rushing around visiting aunts, uncles and cousins. Generally the time was ok but I was definitely ready to leave by the time the 26th rolled around. The reason for this was it was just a bit overwhelming, I still haven't hit a point where I really believe everything will be ok with this pregnancy but no-one in S's family seems to get this in any way. The first day we were greeted by a large amount of second hand items that my MIL had collected from S's cousins and had to make instant decisions about what we wanted. While I do appreciate this gesture and it will save us a lot of money I put my foot down about the large number of cuddly toys since we will inevitably acquire plenty of these without taking someones cast offs. There was also no acknowledgment that perhaps my sister might want to pass some things on and I might like this (more on this later).

The hardest part for me was Christmas day itself. Despite me saying to S that I wanted to enjoy this last Christmas where it would be about us and not lots of gifts for the baby it seems the message wasn't passed on. I understand that his family do not expect to see us again before the baby arrives* and therefore wanted to give us gifts for the baby but to wrap them up in Christmas paper and put them under the tree just felt, well, odd and frankly wrong to me. This forced me to unwrap many parcels addressed to the baby without any acknowledgment that I may not be ready for this yet. The closest any one came to this was when one cousin said "it's ok if you want to save it I know some people like to wait" this was immediately shouted down by everyone going "oh no open it so we can see". I think I managed to look suitably pleased and say the right things but frankly it was exhausting.

*My MIL actually stated that there is no point in visiting before the baby comes so we will not see her until May. I will remember this next time she complains about not seeing us often enough.

Christmas in England part two: my family
We left early on the 26th to get to my older sister's (N) in plenty of time for lunch and have the maximum amount of time with my family. My parents and younger sister (F) would be leaving on the 28th and N and family were going away for new year on the 29th. (Yes slight discrepancy in time spent with the different families but hey mine will visit soon). Unfortunately N had spent Christmas night suffering from a stomach bug so wasn't really on form until Friday. It was lovely to have a (for me) real Christmas on the 26th where gifts were exchanged among those present. A lovely walk along the nearby canal was the perfect way to spend the afternoon. On Thursday the boys, (BIL, dad and S) went for a walk in the nearby hills, F went shopping while me, N and mum stayed home. N was a little upset we had been given so many things and she wouldn't be able to pass on much which unfortunately led me to tears and a description of how hard I had found the last few days but it was good to talk about it.

Anyway, I got lots of new clothes that fit the bump and seem to have expanded a lot in the last couple of weeks - enough that strangers can see I'm pregnant. Stumpy is kicking strongly enough that I can see and feel it from the outside although he stops every time S puts his hand on my bump to feel. As I lay in the bath last night I had the giggles watching the little waves in the water that his kicks created.

I got a bonus at work and the tax rebate is looking, not only definite, but more than I hoped so we will be able to go ahead with buying things for the nursery in the next few weeks. I promise pictures when there is something to take pictures of.

So 2008 is starting well and will be a year of big changes for us I guess it's time to get on with all those things I was planning to do "after Christmas" including believing enough in this pregnancy to make a nursery. F will be visiting in February and my parents are also planning a visit soon so I will save a little shopping to do with my mum since I'm sure she'd like to buy something for Stumpy.